I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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