I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
