the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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