im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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