I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
