just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
