Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize