i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
