i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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