Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
