I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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