when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
