I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
