I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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