watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
