I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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