a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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