I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
