dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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