Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
