You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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