I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize