and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
