see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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