those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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