Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
