mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
