i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
