she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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