So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
