im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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