dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
