did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
