if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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