tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
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