he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
