Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
