Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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