I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
