There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
