They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
