I wish I could punch you in the face.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
