It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i think i scared a bird with my dick
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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