Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
