she is the kim kardashian of front butts
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
