Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
