we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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