Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
