I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
