Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
