I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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