I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
