His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
