I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize