You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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