The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
