Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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