It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My ass is underappreciated
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
