I have demons in me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
