just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
