Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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