38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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