apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
